Forever is a long time. A long time to be with you. I wouldn’t mind, no not at all.
It has been a long long time since I have written in here, truth be told I had forgotten about you, my escape from what hurts or is bothering me… truth be told I wanted to forget that feelings exist and life like to fuck you in the ass.. but as I sit here, contemplating, do I just go and rant to someone about how I’m feeling? And nothing gets done about it, or do I just do this and nothing gets done about it.. so in retrospect either idea kind of leaves me still feeling like crap, so I chose the latter, where in the end no one will know about this except the few people that may gander at my blog from time to time, or maybe the ones that will take a look because it’s finally been updated after six or so months.. but I’ll be frank, this will be long, and some will be good and some will be not so good, but here me out.
I joined Out for Blood in hopes of raiding and even though I have achieved that, it never came out to how I wanted it to go.. It started as a 25man guild, but amongst the few gems that people had found there have been many among many dirt clods that no one ever really wants, so because of that and the fact that people to this day can’t follow directions, this one group was thrown into 2 10-mans, after a while we had raided had a fairly solid team for a week or two, and of course everything falls apart once more, I lost half of my group because people tried over talk and over lead and squeeze their way into the first group leaving me feeling bruised and unwanted, but I held my own, my boyfriend of the time was even promoted to an officer to help OUR (and i say that with a lot of oomph) group out. We were doing well for some time, still pugging, but still knocking down what we had to, always trying to make that extra push, I learned a lot and I grew as a raid leader, until 4.2 came out, in which time things were looking horrifically bleak. Recruiting would lead no where as per usual, who wants to start out with a brand new group going through progression, where the first group was already 5/7 on farm, with hopes of downing Domo & Rag within weeks or months.. pretty crappy deal honestly.. No one ever wanted to stick around until finally a group started forming, with of course people still leaving and back to square one.. again.
Present day, the beloved boyfriend and I, no longer together decides he is to switch his main so he could go and play with group 1 for the week, meh okay, NOT happy but what can you do, I had to switch our raid days from W/F/SU to T/TH/SU because my school schedule would just not allow us to raid at all, so then I hear this about him moving to group one to heal permanently, that would be cool, until I realized our raid days are practically the same, so now on top of having someone who can’t even hold his own in a leadership position, I find out that he’s now being taken from my group entirely which leaves us from 5 people who consistently show up, to 4.. and it fucking sucks and its awful and honestly its a bit hurtful, not that this was done in malice or intentionally it still hurts.. for someone to say we want you to succeed and then do this it’s a swift blow and it fucking blows.
To not only make my e-life crummy, my ventures in the world aren’t the greatest either, after getting dumped I became slightly less confident in myself, I found out my mom lost her job and I’ll probably have to take a loan out to continue going to school full time, yes I can see those who have already done it tell me to grow up and they’ve been doing that, but I was lucky enough to have it taken care of for me, but now is the time to grow up.
Following the blows to both dimensions of my life, I met someone who I really admire and it kinda sucks because he lives in Virginia, he’s cute, funny, and has that extra bit of energy that I really like, unfortunately for me I doubt this will go anywhere since everything that is or was ever good in my life is always a let down, mainly because I ruin it, even though I can honestly say that my last relationship ended because the other party didn’t want to stick it out and realize that things happen that cause strains, but it’s whatever.
I have to admit that nothing will compare to you, and for as long as I live you will be the person I loved the most, and even though I hide it with my anger and animosity towards you, you’ll never truly know how I felt about you after the break up. I will always love and miss you, but we have gone our separate ways and I accept that. I wish nothing but the best for your future and yourself, and maybe one day we will meet again at the proper time. It’s doubtful, but one day.
I’m too emotional for my own good and I feel that holds me back a lot of the time. I simply ask that one day everything will fall into place, and all of this was for something. I’m not looking for fame or for riches, but for a future I can be content with.
day 1- handwrite your full name.
day 2- handwrite your tumblr url.
day 3- handwrite your tumblr headline.
day 4- handwrite your favorite quote.
day 5- handwrite your bestfriends name.
day 6- handwrite your crushes name.
day 7- handwrite your three favourite songs of all time.
day 8- handwrite whatever you want with a black pen in capitals.
day 9- handwrite your favourite word.
day 10- handwrite your lucky number.
day 11- handwrite all the websites you’re signed up with.
day 12- handwrite your name using the hand opposite of what you normally use.
day 13- handwrite the first 10 things that pop into your head.
day 14- handwrite your tumblr crushes.
day 15- handwrite “hello”.
day 16- handwrite whatever you want, filling up the whole piece of paper.
day 17- handwrite on something other than paper.
day 18- handwrite a few words that sum you up.
day 19- handwrite your five favourite bands.
day 20- handwrite a letter to somebody.
Guess I’ll be doing this now.
I think it’s 93, I don’t quite remember.
Last night I counted up all the pills that it would take to kill me last night. I counted 14, 14 and I wouldn’t be here this morning. 14 and I wouldn’t have to wake up, and hate my life everyday, I wouldn’t feel sad for no reason, or cry over stupid things. 14 different pills, and I’d be able to be somewhere that wouldn’t require me giving myself to people. The pieces don’t want to be picked up anymore, and I’m so tired of having those I love so far, far away from me. We will all die alone, and I’m not sure if I want to live my life out, just to have it end so tragically.
14… I can’t even muster more than 4 reasons to keep going.
You are the last person I had any tidings to before I became Ryan’s girlfriend. The night we spent together was awkward, emotional and fun, but we’ll never do it again. I only wanted a fun time, and you wanted something more. I wish we still talked and hung out like we used to, but I know that won’t even happen again either. I’ll always remember how your lips always tasted like vanilla, my favorite part about kissing you.
It was fun while it lasted, and when I told my parents about what we did, it was the best reaction, I wish you were there to see it, you would’ve loved it. Maybe one day you’ll be able to accept that I want to be around you again, but with no other intentions besides being a good friend… that maybe sleep together every once in a while. Maybe I’ll txt you today and see what you’re doing.
I haven’t met you yet. I’ve given plenty of people second, third, fourth, even fifth chances, but they have all let me down. I refuse to let you go to some random person again. For now, I will keep this second chance safely inside my heart until I meet someone worthy of you. I won’t let you go this easy any more. I hope the people in my life will only need one chance, and I will never have to use you.
I know we’re not exactly what you would call friends, merely co-workers that hang out occasionally. But I have to confess, when I first met you I thought you were a total bitch and I couldn’t stand to be around you. I thought you were a snooty horrible person, that just made everyone around you miserable. Well fuck me, for sure.. because after hanging out with you a couple of times, and actually working along side of you, you’re a fucking awesome person. You’re a little spit fire, a little air head, and you’re completely independent.
You really are amazing, and in the body of what.. a 4’11” 90 pound girl?! You are the things I love in a person, and I see them all in you. You really are a great person, you stand up for what you believe in, and you have a heart of gold. I’m sorry about that stupid shit that happened between you and your ex, and all that fucked up shit he did, but you’re so much better off without him.
I fell madly in love with you when I was thirteen years old. You were my protector, my boyfriend, my everything. You were also seventeen, and it was fresh and totally illegal. I loved spending all my time with you. I hated when you would go through your moods, I hated how your mom would play doctor with your medication and fuck around so much with it.
You never actually broke up with me, which I think might be the reason I always compare everyone to you. I just remember getting that call from your mother, and on October 14th, you decided life was no longer worth living. Your suicide note still resides under my bed in my memory box that you gave me. I will always remember you, and you will always be the person that broke my heart the hardest. I don’t miss you, I’ve moved past that. But always in October, I’m so much less happier because of this. I refuse to blame you for my depression, but sometimes I think if I never got involved with you, I wouldn’t be how I am now.
I don’t love you anymore, I grew up, but I will always remember you.
Rest in peace,